Dining at the Y: A Bay Area Foodie's Guide
A WORD FROM THE CHEF
This is not a study guide. Before we get into anything else, I want to make it very clear that I do not expect you to memorize your way to giving me perfect oral sex on the first try. I know men can feel a lot of pressure to be flawless in bed, and I’d like to dissolve some of that expectation before it has a chance to get in the way.
The best sexual partner, in my opinion, is always going to be the one who takes the time to learn your particular body, desires, and boundaries. That kind of familiarity takes time and I would never expect you to figure it all out in one session!
In that same spirit, companions are not mind readers either. Although we may be the sex “experts,” much of what we do in bed comes down to experience, pattern recognition, and educated guesses. But both you & I know that sex is not one-size-fits-all. That is likely why you are here reading this blog. It is just as natural for us to want to explore beyond our usual assumptions and discover what we each actually enjoy.
Now here we are…
Let’s begin with the most important part: communication.
For educational purposes only: Lozenge sitting on a bed, legs spread.
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First Course: Cunnilingual Communication
My number-one tip for creating fluid, enjoyable sexual experiences with me is simple: communicate, or at least be open to communication. If you love something, tell me. If you hate something, tell me. If you want a little instruction, tell me. Look towards my companionship as a safe space for collaboration.
Intimacy asks us to be vulnerable. Even the most articulate among us can clam up (ask me how I know). Or maybe you are simply so happy to be sharing space together that asking for something more feels unnerving. Suddenly, even a simple more, lower, slower, or just like that can feel impossible to say out loud.
Fortunately, words are not the only way to communicate. While they are often the clearest (and essential for expressing boundaries), I would be remiss not to mention my favorite form of bedroom communication: vocalization and body language. Notice a gentle hand redirecting your touch. Listen for my moans as a little chorus of encouragement. Feel my back arch or my body suddenly stiffen, pointing you toward the finish line.
And I want to hear from you, too. Consider this an invitation to let your body speak around me.
Onto the juicier details…
Main Course: Introducing Intuitive Eating
Hygiene
Oral hygiene is important! Personally, it is not something we truly need to worry about at this stage; poor oral hygiene would have ruled out getting this far with me in the first place :P
If needed, here are a few tips to help you arrive in A+ shape, whether you are spending time with me or another companion:
Brush your teeth & tongue for 2 minutes, twice a day. Make sure to get all angles and sides. In addition, make sure to brush before coming to bed ;)
Hotels I frequent often provide toothbrushes and toothpaste, but feel free to pack your own if you know there will be dining or significant time before play.
Consider a tongue scraper if you find brushing your tongue uncomfortable.
Floss! Experiment with different types of floss if it feels like a chore. Floss picks, nylon string, water flossers, etc.
Visit a dental hygienist every 6-12 months to stay on top of your oral health. Yes, cavaties are contagious.
Avoid excessive saliva. My preference stems from a preoccupation with my health. When I am overly concerned with the future outcome of our activities, my mind cannot fully settle into pleasure.This isn’t a common issue, but occasionally I can feel a puddle forming beneath me… and that is a sign that we've probably gone a little overboard. It helps to swallow any excess drool that comes up as your mouth begins to salivate.
Learn more about this health note in layman's terms
The vagina is a carefully balanced ecosystem. Protective bacteria maintain an acidic pH, which helps keep the less helpful bacteria & yeast from multiplying too aggressively. When that balance shifts, bacterial vaginosis (BV) and yeast infections become more likely… so a flood of saliva into my vagina is not necessarily my favorite addition to the situation.
Although I identify as a connoisseur of the deep, sloppy blowjob myself, it is not exactly a two-way street for me. This is where anatomy matters:
Women get UTIs up to 30 times more often than men, largely because the female urethra is shorter and closer to the rectum, giving bacteria an easier route to the bladder.
Approximently 3-11% of men will experience a yeast infection in their lifetime, compared to about 75% of women. (Risk is highest for those with diabetes, a weakened immune system, inability to clean under foreskin, or recent antibiotic use.)
And bacterial vaginosis is specifically a vaginal condition, so it is not something you have to worry about getting yourself.*
In other words…. your body may be considerably more forgiving of a messy encounter than mine is. That is not a criticism of your enthusiasm! It’s an invitation to recognize that the same actions can mean very different things for our bodies, and that a little restraint helps me stay comfortable and able to enjoy myself.
*More precisely, men do not develop BV, but research suggests they can carry BV-associated bacteria on the penis or in the urethra, without symptoms. Those bacteria can be exchanged during sex and may contribute to BV in other female partners, or to reinfection in the same partner.
Dining
I do not have much sensation on my labia or the runway between my vaginal opening and my clitoris. So I prefer you focus on my clitoris, with intentional motion.
Reccomended Motions:
Use the broad side of your tongue against my clit, in a side to side motion, about the same amount of pressure you’d use to lick peanut butter off a spoon
Use the tip of your tongue to flutter rapidly and lightly, up and down my clit
Use your lips to suck on my clit with light-moderate pressure, while simultaneously licking on my clit lightly
Advanced: Also slightly open & close your jaw as you suck, to allow your lower lip to massage under my clit.
I love combining oral with light penetration, described below.
Pacing:
Rather than quickly moving between several different techniques, I much prefer you pick what is most comfortable for you, and let me sit in it for a bit. This allows my pleasure to slowly build and intensify, rather than spark-dissipate-spark-dissipate repeatedly.
Pro tip:
If you are enjoying oral with a lover but your neck needs a break, don’t be afraid to suggest a change of position! If you are both comfortable, options might include face-sitting, 69, having your partner kneel at the edge of a chair or bed, or having them bend over into doggy instead.
Remember, a new position means a new angle. Take a moment to reorient and locate different parts of their anatomy again, so you know what you’re looking for.
Dessert: Delight Me with Your Digits
Hygiene
Keep your nails trimmed and smoothly filed, with no sharp or rough edges that could hurt sensitive tissue!
Wash your hands thoroughly during your time to freshen up in the restroom, before our play
An Accompaniment to Dining...
Pacing:
Start penetration by gently sliding one finger in and out. Begin slowly, rather than moving immediately into rapid or forceful movements. Allow me time to relax and adjust before changing the pace.
You should be able to feel when my body is warmed up enough for a second finger; there will be no need to force anything. Two fingers is limit. I may recommend lube if needed!
Pro Tip:
If you love to multitask, insert your finger(s) with your palm facing up, then gently curl them in a “come here” motion. I enjoy that curling motion during penetration to stimulate my G-spot.
A FINAL TOAST
Wow– that was a lot! Remember, this is not a study guide. It took me years to figure out what I actually liked. I don’t expect you to practice at home, take notes, or memorize these words in the bathroom. This assignment is an open book group project, and the primary source of all information will conveniently be right by your side :)
Lastly, female pleasure in this space is sometimes treated as though it begins and ends with these two activities. I’d like to reassure you that this is not the case, especially when it comes to my body. I enjoy many other forms of physical touch, from penetration and giving my lover oral sex to the simple comfort of cuddling. And, as you may already know, your satisfaction is the largest source of pleasure for me.
Looking for hands-on practice and a little more confidence in the bedroom?
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